Let go

Well, they won't. Those suddenly tugging cords in the right side of my neck and clenching muscles on the right shoulder blade are not listening to me, however much I call soothing messages down to them. And you, left arm, are complicit, triggering the spasms. I feel I should be in control here but clearly this section of my anatomy is not picking up the phone.

I suppose I'll have to get serious about diagnoses and therapies, rather than just wait it out as I usually do. There are lots of folk remedies on the internet; I'm clearly not alone. Probably some inflammation is involved. But it's the sheer recalcitrance of this muscle/tendon group that provokes me, leads me to cajole it in the 2nd person:: 'There, let go now, relax, down, down, yes; oops, why did you do that?; lengthen out, that's it.' It feels ridiculous, for sure, but...

How can I say I am the owner of this body if these, the voluntary muscles which act like the stays stabilizing the yardarm of my shoulder girdle on the mast of my spine, ignore me. They are close to the surface, traceable to loads and motions, usually obedient to my will--but no, not completely. These muscles have their own agenda, perhaps of protection or of healing, that my beggings and browbeatings don't override.

This is what makes me think about this pain in terms of the theme of this blog: my shoulder, indeed my body as a whole, as a congerie of Others. It's not as if we don't work together happily; when I run these days, all the sensitive spots seem contented, and I don't hobble as I did a year ago. So too, I'm sure, this shoulder business will pass. But I feel sometimes more like leader than master of this corpus, and the followers more like a political caucus than a cadre. There's more negotiation between me and my various members than authoritarian diktat.

As I get older, the parts become more quirky, more querulous, more remonstrative, more like a gaggle than a column parading past some commanding officer in a reviewing stand. Instead of taking each unit for granted, I may have to get to know them individually in their robustness and frailty, work with their strengths and around their weaknesses, listen to their complaints and call on them to cooperate despite their reluctance. When we collaborate in a creditable performance, I'll be sure to applaud...

Which will make how much difference? I don't know. This neck and shoulder does not seem to be waiting for my approbation, or anything I can give it. A third party may have to be called in. Come on, we have to live together. Tell me what you want and I'll do my best to provide. Relax, loosen up, let go.