Deserts

A normally upbeat and jolly ceremony of wholehearted celebration was thrown off-kilter recently by some statements of mixed gratitude and grievance. Everyone left with at least a sour taste in their mouth. Whatever the merits of the message or method of delivery, it's a question: how do we entertain such contradictory impulses?

It's not the same as appreciating the positives and pointing out limitations of something, as I might do, for instance, considering serenity (peace of mind and ease of life) as an ultimate goal.  In such a case, there's no reference to a prior transaction involving some implied or explicit obligation as there is when we feel gratitude ('You didn't have to...') or grievance ('You should've...'), these two depending on what each party felt it had been promised and so was owed, what it had promised and so was obliged to do.

None of this is news, all of this is normal, but I'm struck by the destructive power of nursed grievances to disrupt and poison relationships. Providing opportunities for frank expression of grievances is as much a duty as speaking honestly and forthrightly when chances to speak are provided.

As a married person, I know this. Friday last, there was a discussion around our table. Many of the issues hanging fire from our last go-around on certain issues came up. Phase one was adversarial: highlighted grievances in their passion-provoking complexity. There were strong words spoken, strong feelings expressed. There were attackings and defendings of rights and prerogatives. There was the language of debtors and creditors.

Phase two was explanatory, exploring what we had expected and what we want for the future. We pulled back from some of the language we'd used; we confessed what our feelings made us feel.

Phase three revisited the issues of the grievances: still no resolution, or hope of resolution, though maybe a bit more clarity. Emotions revived, but not as pent-up or explosive.

Phase four: fatigue, a tinge of despair, mutual reaffirmation of the founding commitments of the relationship.

Phase five: a tentative way forward, no promises but some 'let's sees', a willingness to try again. A change in atmosphere.

Phase six: next morning: 'What I meant was..., You were right when you said..., I'm sorry if I..., Here's an idea...'  A gratitude for the other, for the night before.

It's not as if the issues aren't important, nor as if they are finally resolved once and for all; sometimes yes, they are; sometimes no, they're not. It's a process, or rather, a history of fraught encounters between two who are Other to the other. In this story, creditors are as much on the hook as debtors and brooding on our deserts only works the barb deeper so it tears more when it comes out. Over time, we learn how better to speak, how better listen--and respond.

Sweet gratitude frees me to step back from quid pro quo and realize: it's all, all a gift.