A balanced diet of encounters, equal parts of hospitality, friendship, exploration: this is the ideal life I should be living? I'm not sure I live up to it, or should. But I did want to work through the Reflecting questions listed in the Tokens&Tools section of the
God-in-love framework to see if they could help me better appreciate the encounters I do have.
I'm struck by how much of what I do is exploratory vs hospitable or friendly. It may be that visiting R yesterday was an example of friendship and that reading from the book On Looking by Alexandra Horowitz (excellent book; opening not just eyes) to L was an example of hospitality, but neither of these encounters seem to have the same intensity as I remember feeling just looking at trees in the Arboretum. When among those great conifers with their dangling or outstretched limbs and the light shining through the needles with the crinkly glitter of gold foil paper, I was moved by the sheer presence of these huge organisms, upright and stolid in the cold of the winter afternoon. These were Others I was encountering. By contrast, the otherness of R and L doesn't have the same majesty; how could it? They are familiar and their otherness not evident. Does familiarity make the otherness of the second person invisible?
So I called R yesterday and asked if I could come over for a chat.The storm had been blowing all day, the streets were white and quiet.The forecast was for snow all night. I wanted to get out of the house for a trudge, and perhaps R wanted some company. Visiting, that's what I was doing. In the course of the conversation I recognized otherness in subtle ways-the offer of tea rather than coffee for instance. I acknowledged R as Other when we talked about my interest in word games and his shyness about them. Was there any urgency in my addressing him as You in our encounter? None that I can think of. I look forward to many more times of our chatting and strolling and politicking together. The urgency, if any, is like repletion after a meal that will become hunger again a little later. (Can we call this a cyclical urgency? Are there categories of urgencies?) What about anticipations? What about We? I mentioned game nights and perhaps these could deepen our friendship. Also there are some plays coming up that we can go to together.
Finally what about being intrigued or impressed? This goes the heart of what makes this a friendship. How R thinks has an elegance that I find fascinating: step by step, complete, expressive of his own engagement. I can enter it anywhere and get details that flesh out the story. Yet he is not relentless or pedantic. We can wander and return to the thread as we want. And R is fund of knowledge. I always learn something interesting when I'm with him. More than this, he is a moral pole for me. He helps me keep caring about things I too easily forget.
What have I learned about this process? I feel more confident the Reflecting questions are an effective awareness tool, not only prompting me to attend to but also to better perceive and understand, ultimately to appreciate my encounters, even negative ones.
I'm struck by how much of what I do is exploratory vs hospitable or friendly. It may be that visiting R yesterday was an example of friendship and that reading from the book On Looking by Alexandra Horowitz (excellent book; opening not just eyes) to L was an example of hospitality, but neither of these encounters seem to have the same intensity as I remember feeling just looking at trees in the Arboretum. When among those great conifers with their dangling or outstretched limbs and the light shining through the needles with the crinkly glitter of gold foil paper, I was moved by the sheer presence of these huge organisms, upright and stolid in the cold of the winter afternoon. These were Others I was encountering. By contrast, the otherness of R and L doesn't have the same majesty; how could it? They are familiar and their otherness not evident. Does familiarity make the otherness of the second person invisible?
So I called R yesterday and asked if I could come over for a chat.The storm had been blowing all day, the streets were white and quiet.The forecast was for snow all night. I wanted to get out of the house for a trudge, and perhaps R wanted some company. Visiting, that's what I was doing. In the course of the conversation I recognized otherness in subtle ways-the offer of tea rather than coffee for instance. I acknowledged R as Other when we talked about my interest in word games and his shyness about them. Was there any urgency in my addressing him as You in our encounter? None that I can think of. I look forward to many more times of our chatting and strolling and politicking together. The urgency, if any, is like repletion after a meal that will become hunger again a little later. (Can we call this a cyclical urgency? Are there categories of urgencies?) What about anticipations? What about We? I mentioned game nights and perhaps these could deepen our friendship. Also there are some plays coming up that we can go to together.
Finally what about being intrigued or impressed? This goes the heart of what makes this a friendship. How R thinks has an elegance that I find fascinating: step by step, complete, expressive of his own engagement. I can enter it anywhere and get details that flesh out the story. Yet he is not relentless or pedantic. We can wander and return to the thread as we want. And R is fund of knowledge. I always learn something interesting when I'm with him. More than this, he is a moral pole for me. He helps me keep caring about things I too easily forget.
What have I learned about this process? I feel more confident the Reflecting questions are an effective awareness tool, not only prompting me to attend to but also to better perceive and understand, ultimately to appreciate my encounters, even negative ones.
I try to avoid negative encounters (who doesn't) but I can imagine a
friendship much more complex and ambivalent which might be elucidated
by this process of reflection. The otherness would be more stark, the
Other more obviously not biddable, the addessings more fraught with
urgency, the anticipations more a mix of looking forward and
dreading. I may be impressed and intrigued and also attracted and
repelled. This Reflecting tool should help me appreciate the richness of even
challenging encounters like that.
(Let me remember why any of this is supposed to matter. It's because encounters are the currency of value in the cosmic erotic dalliance of God-in-love and the beloved Other. Gazing, chatting, reading aloud are more than what they are.)
Okay, what about today's Risking? Rolling the die, I get 6: hospitality, while keeping an eye out for potentialities being exploited. Let's throw out some words and see which catch hold somewhere: gifting, helping, introducing...and shifts in equilibrium, development of irregularities, meetings or missings... Nothing comes to mind right away, but let me think, and risk (like posting this overly wordy and somewhat absurd essay.)
(Let me remember why any of this is supposed to matter. It's because encounters are the currency of value in the cosmic erotic dalliance of God-in-love and the beloved Other. Gazing, chatting, reading aloud are more than what they are.)
Okay, what about today's Risking? Rolling the die, I get 6: hospitality, while keeping an eye out for potentialities being exploited. Let's throw out some words and see which catch hold somewhere: gifting, helping, introducing...and shifts in equilibrium, development of irregularities, meetings or missings... Nothing comes to mind right away, but let me think, and risk (like posting this overly wordy and somewhat absurd essay.)
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